Bubba In The Backroom

Can He Take a Frisk?
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: May 28, 2008

In counter-point to The Last Debate, Maureen Dowd’s fevered imagination brings us the hypothetical backroom interview where Barack Obama offers the vice presidency to Clinton. Bill Clinton, that is. This hypothetical junta involves several major and minor players for both campaigns, so let’s look at the program:

After “Rahmbo” Emanuel, the Illinois congressman dubbed “the hostage negotiator” by the Obama forces, fails to talk Hillary down, Barack Obama knows that he is left with one final roll of the dice. He sets up a secret meeting with Bill Clinton in neutral territory at Rahm’s hideaway office in the Capitol.

A part of the Chicago political machine, Rham Emanuel aka "Rhambo" is Obama’s enforcer. He makes the offers that others don’t refuse. He raises the money and decides who gets it. This congressman has the rather large ear of Obama when it comes to picking running mates.

“Hey, Bill, please, stop wagging your finger at me. Call off Harold Ickes and the Hillaryland Huns. You’re right. I can’t win without her. The two of us can clean McCain’s grandfather clock.”

Ickes, part of a Democratic dynasty, is the last advisor standing in Hillary’s campaign. His close relationship (hint, hint) to labor unions has given her a power base in New York. And of course, Hillaryland Huns makes for a nice Alliteration Alert®.

“Thank goodness you’ve got Jim Johnson frisking me. He’s the guy who missed all the baggage weighing down Geraldine Ferraro’s husband.”

Jim Johnson is the former Fannie Mae head who is running Obama’s vice-presidential vetting operation. He performed the same job for Walter Mondale and John Kerry and we know how well those campaigns went. While he left Fannie Mae before the sub-prime meltdown, he did manage to cook the books good enough to a nearly two-million dollar bonus on his way out the door.

“We need to know where that $11 million came from that you guys loaned your campaign. And the $15 million from Ron Burkle at Yucaipa and the $3 million from Vinod Gupta.”

There’ll be no more Ron Air, no Burkling and Binging.

Billionaire Boys Club buddy Ron Burkle makes an encore appearance from The Vice Squad column. Both Burkle and Gupta have the habit of having jets waiting when the Clintons need a vacation in Mexico. With large donation pools at the end of the runway. Steve Bing is also a binge buddy of Bubba.

“I’ve got to level with you, man. Hillary’s a lot of work. And that Kathleen Sebelius is terrific and has those twinkly eyes.”

Kansas governor Sebelius is considered a front-runner for the real vice-presidential nomination. And being attacked by Robert Novak doesn’t hurt her bona fides any. And on a dream ticket, she adds the eye candy to balance out Barack’s appeal.

Faux-Bill gets the last word on the odds of Hillary making the Dream Team:

“The idea of Hillary as your No. 2 was always a fairy tale.”

Fairy tale being the words that Bill used to describe Obama’s free ride just a while ago. And it looks like Bill will be riding Bing Air instead of Air Force Two in the next four years.