The Campaign Buzz

Reefer Madness in Iowa
By MAUREEN DOWD
Published: December 16, 2007

Maureen Dowd is determined to show off how "hep" she is by dropping as many drug references as she can cram into one column. With a little help from this NYT article from last summer, let's catch up on the lingo the kids are using nowadays and count the number drug "cracks" we can find in her trademarked faux debate:

WASHBURN: Senator Clinton, I’d like you to start us off by explaining why your campaign has been getting down and dirty with someone so clean¹ and articulate?

It was marginal candidate Joe Biden that put his foot in his mouth over the "a" word. I doubt he's even aware of the sobriety implication of "clean."

CLINTON: I apologized to Senator Obama. I absolutely did not authorize or condone the remarks made by one of my co-chairs in New Hampshire about my distinguished colleague’s youthful indiscretions. If primary voters don’t care that he did “a little blow²,” then my goodness, why should I? Even if he had packed a straw³ full of the white rabbit⁴ and had a snow bunny^4a blow it in his ear, who would care, for Pete’s sake? I only wish I knew all that colorful chasing-the-dragon⁵ lingo. Senator Obama certainly has a lot of street cred, even if it isn’t Main Street. We owe it to the good people of Iowa to stick to critical issues like the economy, and how to get a fiscally responsible budget like we had in the ’90s, the ’90s, the ’90s —

WASHBURN: Snap out of it.

CLINTON: Sorry. Anyway, even if Senator Obama were still riding the snow train⁶, I would not allow any revelations about it to sully this campaign. I’m not sure who that young man in a hoodie was that Barack was talking to outside tonight, before the debate. I’d seen the young man earlier, standing around in the shadows outside. But that’s neither here nor there. Even if I had been able to see whether any money was exchanged, or who was selling to whom, I would not allow anyone in my campaign, even that scamp Mark Penn, to use the word cocaine, cocaine, cocaine⁷ —

WASHBURN: Senator!

{snip}

CLINTON: Don’t bogart⁸ the time, Barack. I’d like a hit. Carolyn, shouldn’t there be some timing device to let my young friend know when he’s going over, something that would go “BONG⁹!”

OBAMA: I know what you’re doing, Hillary. I wasn’t born yesterday. She wants Americans to think I’m so young and green that I can only run for White House intern. It would be a stain on me to sink as low as her.

"Stain" is not a drug reference, just the obligatory Monica reference. Dowd has to make at least one in every Clinton related column. The Pulitzer committee insists.

CLINTON: I don’t appreciate that crack¹⁰. If you’re going to needle¹¹ me, Senator —

OBAMA: In turn, I would like to reply that what this country really needs is change —

CLINTON: Change is mine now, Senator Belushi¹². Bill and I stole it weeks ago. Some people believe you get change by hoping for it. Some believe you get change by snorting¹³ it. I believe you get it by working hard.

WASHBURN: Can you both please describe the key features of what you consider to be the best education system in the world?

CLINTON: Well, I know that some of my supporters have been spreading gossip that Senator Obama loves the madrassa system for pre-K through terrorist training camp. But there is not a gram¹⁴ of truth in those accusations. We shouldn’t inject¹⁵ intolerance into this race.

WASHBURN: I would like to talk about the Peru free trade deal that was signed on Friday. You both missed the vote.

CLINTON: Oh, Barack should take that one. His views on Peruvian are positively flaky¹⁶.

And there really was a US-Peru Free Trade Agreement this week, so that isn't as lame a stretch as it first appears.

OBAMA: You’re the flaky one, Hillary, backing up the president when he wanted to rush¹⁷ into Iraq and wage this trillion-dollar war.

CLINTON: It’s no wonder you didn’t want to go into Iraq, Barack. There are no free bases¹⁸ there.

WASHBURN: All right, you two. We’re out of time. Have a Merry Christmas and —

CLINTON: And I am sure that Senator Obama is dreaming of his usual White Christmas¹⁹. Hitch up the reindeer!

WASHBURN: As I was saying, a Happy New Year.

CLINTON: He gets no kick from Champagne²⁰ ...

Footnotes:
1. Drug-free
2. Cocaine
3. Common paraphernalia item used in snorting cocaine
4. A thinly veiled Jefferson Airplane song about drug use
4a. A white female; this expression is commonly used to describe a white female who mingles amoung black males. Not technically a drug reference, but it completes the reflexive Dowd inversion pun with "white rabbit".
5. The need for an ever-increasing dose of a drug to get the same high.
6. Use cocaine. "Ride a train" has a much different sexual connotation.
7. Benzoylmethyl ecgonine (C₁₇H₂₁NO₄)
8. To hog something, esp. a marijuana cigarette
9. A water pipe used for smoking marijuana.
10. A form of cocaine meant for smoking.
11. Paraphernalia used to inject drugs.
12. John Belushi, a famous Chicago comedian, died of a drug overdose.
13. To inhale a drug.
14. Unit of measurement for drugs.
15. To force dugs into the body using a syringe.
16. Peruvian flake is 100% pure powder cocaine.
17. The euphoria caused by drugs.
18. Freebase is a variation of cocaine intended to be smoked.
19. To use cocaine. Also a sexual reference.
20. The Cole Porter song "I Get A Kick Out Of You" has a cocaine reference:

I get no kick from Champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you?

Some get a kick from cocaine
I'm sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrificly too
Yet I get a kick out of you

No, Maureen, we get a kick out of YOU!